Fifty Shades of Brains (B.F. Dealeo)

rating_4
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“Maybe it’s my mood or the early morning hour, but I suddenly feel like narrating a brief history of the zombie apocalypse and how it’s impacted our city the last seven years.” [pp. 9-10]

Dealeo, a name for the writing pair that includes Gene Ambaum, was a name with a plan. A good plan. A plan that seems grounded in a solid belief that absolutely anything can be improved with zombies.

“That’s why I came,” he says. “To protect you. There’s something about you, Aurora. Something completely irritating, yet irresistible, likely a badly written BDSM novel. I’m finding it impossible to stay away.” [pp. 42-43]

More thought has gone into this work than any of the novels that inspired it, combined.

“So what you’re saying is… you’ve never killed a zombie before?” he whispers.

I bite my lip and shake my head. I can’t meet his eyes. “Never.” I whisper back.

“Oh dear god, you’re a virgin!” [p. 64]

They’ve actually given this story a plot, a real plot. There are character actions that make sense. And a heroine that does stuff.

“Fuck the flowers,” I say. “I want that motorcycle you mentioned. And another gun, something larger, like a shotgun maybe. And lots of ammunition. Also I want my own albino. Maybe two.” [p. 120]

And I admit I laughed aloud at this:

“Refer to who?” I ask.

It’s whom, my inner grammarian pipes up. [p. 136]

And I outright cheered at the ending:

I hit him once for Hoser and once for Pen and once for my poor addled mother. I hit him a dozen times for all the students who died trying to hunt and kill those wretched creatures. I hit him for Mr. Austin back at my old school and for the crazy guy in the elevator with the blow-up sex dolls. I hit him for our cock-eyed Space Needle and the sunken ferries out in the Puget Sound and our once-beautiful city that’s now a decimated wasteland. I hit him for all the times we’ve flirted and fought and fucked and futzed with that stupid contract which didn’t do squat to save the city like he promised. And then I hit him one more time because his own insanity brought him to this sad, pathetic end.

Pieces of his skull are everywhere by the time I stop pounding.

I’ve ruined his hair forever.

Tough titty, growls my inner girl with the dragon tattoo. [pp. 150-160]

What can I say? It’s a parody of a novel that was actively terrible, that itself had been based on a novel of utterly no redeeming value. It’s practically unreadable, but then it’s designed be, soooo… this is clearly a win.

Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction and a parody.
It’s a product of sick minds and not based
on any real people or incidents.
We hope it has no resemblance to any
Actual persons, living or dead.
Because have you read this? Yuck. [p. 3]

Great fun. Better than Häagen-Dazs. Recommended for anyone who’s ever disliked the works by E.L. James or Stephanie Meyer. Four stars.

An ARC of this book was provided to me by the publisher through the Librarything Member Giveaway Program. Quotes pulled from ISBN 9781937914035.

Related review:
Fifty Shades of Grey

Originally posted at:
http://www.librarything.com/review/95298622

Posted July 2013, moved October 2013
0 comments, 0 likes at time of move

Also posted at:
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/571575643

Posted July 2013, moved October 2013
0 comments, 0 likes at time of move

to certain death
I preferably resign
via zombie kittens

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Fifty Shades of Grey (E.L. James)

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Best review detailing the quality of writing:
http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215

Best review detailing the BDSM and feminism:
http://zephyrscribe.tumblr.com/post/52727257364/fifty-things-wrong-with-fifty-shades-of-grey

Most horrific influence:
http://www.avclub.com/articles/fifty-shades-of-grey-now-also-ruining-classic-lite,82638/

Related review:
Fifty Shades of Brains
Twilight

Originally posted at:
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/216293747

Posted March 2013, moved October 2013
0 comments, 0 likes at time of move

the taste of sweat
and maybe pain—
sadly, derived

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